I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
