not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
