very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
This toilet bowl is my home.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
