Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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