my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
How naked do you want me to be?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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