You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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