if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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