Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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