i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Randomize
