god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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