I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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