My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?