i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?