Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
