i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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