sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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