So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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