I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
