pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
