im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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