is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
