I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she told me i tasted like america
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
