Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
