i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
