One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
