He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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