Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
