the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
