ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
