why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
