I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
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