The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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