i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
only if we run a train.
done.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
