is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
