I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
