My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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