I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
