ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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