I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
