all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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