i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize