I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
