Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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