Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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