We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
