What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
