i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
