Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
