Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
