I wanna bring you to show and tell
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
