Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
