yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
