I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
