I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
